Freedom.
By Rummuser. Filed in People, Relationships |Tags: Adultery, Freedom, Matrimony, Memories
Twenty years ago, we were peers, working in different companies, struggling to make sense of a life full of tension, inadequate remuneration, high personal taxation, hardly any savings, and so on and so forth. Both of us were however, ‘high’ on Corporate Life, with attendant perquisites like, 5 Star Hotel accommodation while on tours, Business Class Air travel, chauffeur driven cars, fat expense accounts etc. Both of us were ear marked for greater things, when I decided that enough was enough and quit to change over to a smaller company with higher remuneration, less headaches and higher savings potential. I have not regretted that move yet. It perhaps saved me from cardiac problems, enabled me to purchase and settle down in our own home in a town of our liking and life was good.
My friend stayed on, and has just retired last year but has had two by-pass surgeries and is struggling to come to grips with retired life combined with an empty nest syndrome. He and I gradually lost touch with each other after I relocated. It was therefore quite a surprise for me to get a phone call from him a few days ago to convey his condolences on Urmeela’s passing away. He had just then got to know about it and called me to apologize and to cheer me up! We had a nice long chat with the usual “let us try and meet up” etc and were about to end the call when he dropped a bomb on me which has prompted me to attempt this post. He simply said, and I quote him verbatim, “I envy you your freedom!”. I probed to find what he meant and he simply reiterated the same and disconnected.
Since then, I have been musing about this startling statement about my current status of a widower. Does that give others the impression of my being free from the bonds, the restrictions and the problems of matrimony? Or what quite is that in my present status that makes someone like my friend, ‘envy my freedom’?
This post is an attempt at resolving some of the questions that have arisen in my mind about the status, more to think in writing rather than to create something to post as a blog.
As I understand, Freedom would mean two aspects of living. One, Freedom from something and two, Freedom to do something. In both cases, would his envy translate to mean that he is not free from something and he is not free to do something? What are the constraints from which, I have now got freedom? What are the things that I could not do before my status changed, that I can now do with my new found freedom?
Possibly with the exception of Grannymar, I doubt that anyone else from my regular readers can quite understand the significance of this musing, as none simply has the experience. It is a very intense and interesting thought process that I am going through as I attempt this post. As I had said earlier, this is to get my thinking structured more than anything else and so, please do bear with me, this long rambling post.
I have been racking my brains over this subject for the last five days and am yet to come up with something concrete to say categorically, that the changed situation has given me freedom from something and freedom to do something that I did not have earlier.
The only freedom that I can honestly say that I have got from, is the one as caregiver for Urmeela, a role that had been part of my personality for the past nine years. On the other hand, while I am indeed free from that responsibility, I have now the responsibility of giving care to my father and to a smaller extent, my son. So, the volume has come down, but the value has not. In other words, while one part of that responsibility has gone, the responsibility itself has not. The intensity is less but the commitment is still there. So, I cannot really say that I have got freedom from giving care.
Would it mean that I now have freedom from matrimony? I find that difficult to accept as, I am still emotionally tied to Urmeela, albeit she is no longer physically with me here. Her memory is more intense than when she was alive and the emotional state that I am is difficult to explain. Suffice it to say that I do not feel free from matrimony, or more truly, free from the memory of that matrimony.
I really am unable to think of anything else that I can say that I am free from in my current status of a widower. That is, compared to the time that I was married.
Coming to freedom to do something because I am now a widower, I have tried every possible thing that I can do as a widower that I could not have done when I was married. Apart from the one very obvious issue of adultery, I cannot think of anything that I am now free to do, that I could not have done when I was married. Adultery, now replaced by let us say, a relationship with another woman, is not exactly very appealing just now. I am quite prepared to have an open mind about that, but for the moment, I am just not so inclined.
I wonder if my old friend is having marital problems, which makes him envy my single status. A distinct possibility, but about which, I feel quite delicate to ask him directly.
So, what do you think is that aspect of my current status that someone envies as being my freedom? Your answer/s may well clarify my own thinking about this matter. Thank you.
Tuesday, June 16th 2009 at 18:03 |
Maybe the comment was not about your current status so much as your WHOLE status. You made the choice to follow your heart and do what you thought was best for you and yours in earlier years because you found more “Freedom” in those choices. We both know the type of person that gets locked into a certain frame of mind set and it cannot be changed, and many year down the road realize they could have done differently. So, now after some years this person is struggling with their retirement, and empty nest and yes probably marital problems or at least questions. And they see you there really enjoying your life and think “Ah I wish I had that freedom”.
Having witnessed your joy and love of taking care of your love ones, I can clearly see how someone would envy your freedom. The freedom to love and serve without any doubt or care.
In terms of freedom from Urmeela – I know that you will ALWAYS carry her in your heart. You have that freedom to carry her there and I know that it is a pure joy for you to do so and not a burden. So my dear Ramana carry on in this wonderful life of freedom that you have. For you do provide an example to so many. As the saying goes “If you want what we have then you have to do what we did”
Rummuser Reply:
June 18th, 2009 at 09:42
Phil, as usual, you are a joy to read. Thank you for the insight.
Tuesday, June 16th 2009 at 18:28 |
My initial take on what was said was very similar to Phil’s.
I hope that was what was meant.
The problem, though, is your friend’s problem, not yours, whatever he meant.
His perception, for whatever reason, is that you are free and he is not. For him, that is his reality. It’s unfortunate, but should have no bearing on your reality.
Mike Goad´s last blog ..Storm damage and cleanup
Rummuser Reply:
June 18th, 2009 at 09:41
Absolutely. Writing about it has been my catharsis.
Tuesday, June 16th 2009 at 20:54 |
I guess I never looked at marriage as bondage.
But I do have to wonder if your friend’s attitude would change if something happened to his wife. I think suddenly the memory of her, like the memory of your wife, would intensify, and he would no longer want the freedom that he now seeks.
Delirious´s last blog ..Clip Art
Rummuser Reply:
June 18th, 2009 at 09:40
A very interesting way of looking at it indeed. Thank you.
Tuesday, June 16th 2009 at 23:28 |
Don’t forget that he phoned to offer condolences and to cheer you up, so it sounds to me it had nothing to do with freedom from marriage. You say, “I decided that enough was enough and quit to change over to a smaller company with higher remuneration, less headaches and higher savings potential. I have not regretted that move yet. It perhaps saved me from cardiac problems, enabled me to purchase and settle down in our own home in a town of our liking and life was good.” Your decision gave you the freedom to create a fulfilling life. If he’s having health and financial problems I can see why he might be feeling trapped.
“This post is an attempt at resolving some of the questions that have arisen in my mind about the status, more to think in writing rather than to create something to post as a blog.” This is the kind of post I love the most. Thank you.
Rummuser Reply:
June 18th, 2009 at 09:39
I am glad that you liked the post Jean. Shall try and post more such.
Tuesday, June 16th 2009 at 23:54 |
At the outset, lovely post. I simply adore reading such material. And I have to agree with Jean. But frankly freedom is a matter of subjective perception.
I mean think about it, for one person marriage could be freedom from a carefree life, freedom from lack of committment and freedom to live life with another person based on mutual love and concern. It could be freedom to move to a less tiresome job involving better opportunities to lead a more fulfilling personal life.
Its obvious that what you had with your wife was something very personal and very special. It cant be replaced by any measure. I guess the fact that you had earned the freedom to lead a relatively more fulfilling life both professionally and personally was the subject matter of his envy.
Rummuser Reply:
June 18th, 2009 at 09:38
Ashok, you are showing wisdom far beyond your age! Thank you.
Ashok Reply:
June 18th, 2009 at 23:35
Thank you sir. Its very kind of you to say that.
Ashok´s last blog ..Meaning and purpose of life, ideas and more
Wednesday, June 17th 2009 at 02:14 |
Ramana,
You mentioned ‘struggling to make sense of a life full of tension, inadequate remuneration, high personal taxation, hardly any savings’ in the company you were with 20 years ago. You had the good sense to make changes and in doing so showed Urmeela that she was more important than your work and career. It gave you time together to strengthen your relationship, many men fail to do that and confuse a career with a life. If a career was your friends major focus for the past number of years, retirement might have been a shock to his system. A wife who has played second fiddle to a husbands job for more than half a lifetime might resent him under her feet 24/7.
The Caring role you had over the past 9-10 years was also a gentle easing, although you may not have realised it, into the place you are at now. You give off positive vibes and to somebody who has never experienced the loss of a soul mate, it can appear as if you have coped and moved on. Like me, your feelings run deep and are not worn on your sleeve.
I agree with Mike ‘The problem is your friend’s problem, not yours’! In asking your friend what he meant, you were giving him the opportunity to expand, an invitation he didn’t take up therefore I would let sleeping dogs lie and not lose sleep over it.
Grannymar´s last blog ..Memory Lane
Rummuser Reply:
June 18th, 2009 at 09:37
Grannymar, as usual, your wisdom speaks volumes. Thank you.
Wednesday, June 17th 2009 at 05:10 |
Freedom is a concept often highly-misunderstood. Human beings often assume they must earn it and then lose it, or spend much of their physical lives working to re-obtain it. Yet, every human being has unlimited freedom mcu like each human being has unlimited love. Nonetheless, many people spend time in this world creating circmstances that allow them to hide from their authentic selves and to deny the reality they know deep down is truly theirs. To recognize everything you think, feel and create is a choice, changes how you view responsibility, different inds of learning, evolving awareness and a multi-dimensional purpose for existing at this moment.
Liara Covert´s last blog ..Facilitate a dying wish
Rummuser Reply:
June 18th, 2009 at 09:36
Thank you.
Wednesday, June 17th 2009 at 19:25 |
I loved this post, as well, Rummi (like Jean). One of the issues of writing a blog, for me, at any rate, is the need to be circumspect. I find this inhibits me from working away at a topic, like this one. For example, and I would only mention this HERE, where I know my children, friends, family, etc., probably wouldn’t find it, I had a remarkable experience with my boyfriend’s ex-wife (whom I had never met), showing up uninvited at my door. I invited her in (I was hoping to create a “family” of peace and good will, cough, cough), and she proceeded to read me a detailed manifesto of all the wrong her ex (my boyfriend!) had done to her. After she left, she then called him dozens of times, flinging the F-word around and, basically, going a little nuts. Well….this would have made a terrific blog post AND I genuinely would’ve loved hearing people’s opinions….however, because my blog is open, I couldn’t do it. What if her children happened upon it, somehow?
First do no harm.
My point? I am intrigued by the parameters and difficulties of blog writing…..
Jody´s last blog ..The Writer’s Journey
Rummuser Reply:
June 18th, 2009 at 09:36
So, am I, intrigued by the parameters and difficulties of blog writing. There are some hot topics that I would like to post about, but only once the person/s concerned cannot access my blogs. It may therefore take some time. Like you have done here however, I too have used other blogs to let off some steam.
Ashok Reply:
June 18th, 2009 at 23:37
Hi Jody, I can understand where you are coming from. There is always a way to go about such sensitive topics. Factor in on the theme of the topic rather than focusing on the specific details. Build on the lessons or the observations and not the person’s involved. It works for me.
Ashok´s last blog ..Meaning and purpose of life, ideas and more
Wednesday, June 17th 2009 at 22:29 |
I’ve heard it said: We all want what we cannot have.
Maybe he’s unhappy with his marriage. Or maybe he wishes he followed your career path. But regardless, happiness isn’t getting what you want; it’s wanting what you get. Or at least accepting it.
BTW, I awarded your blog the “One Lovely Blog Award”
Please visit my link to receive it:
http://square–peg.blogspot.com/2009/06/one-lovely-blog-award.html
Thanks!
Square Peg Guy´s last blog ..One Lovely Blog Award
Rummuser Reply:
June 18th, 2009 at 09:34
Thanks for the award. I am lining up the fifteen bloggers to pass it on to and shall post it anon. Please see my response to Jean’s comment.
Thursday, June 18th 2009 at 05:20 |
Square-Peg Guy,
“I’ve heard it said: We all want what we cannot have…happiness isn’t getting what you want; it’s wanting what you get.” Now that’s a good topic for discussion! Any takers?
Jody,
I agree, that’s tricky. When something like that happens I try to talk about the basic issue/feelings without going into revealing details. How do we deal with difficult people who want to be angry and rant? I also agree it’s nice to have places like this where it’s safe to mention things.
I had a somewhat similar experience once when my daughter was younger. A neighbor came to my door threatening to call the police if Kaitlin didn’t stop harassing her children. In fact, that’s not quite what was going on, but I managed to calm her down and be sympathetic to her feelings, if not to her “facts”. It was a tricky situation until the family moved. I did feel sorry for the woman in this case, and Kaitlin wasn’t an innocent party in the beginning, but her kids were getting guaranteed sympathy by picking on Kaitlin and running home to the folks about how Kaitlin was causing trouble again. The whole thing lasted about two years, and it was a great lesson for Kaitlin about how once you get a reputation it can be hard to shake.
Rummuser Reply:
June 18th, 2009 at 09:33
Jean, I am game. Just pop in a post at one of your blogs, unless you would like me to.
Jean Browman--Cheerful Monk Reply:
June 18th, 2009 at 11:00
I’ll start thinking about it. It won’t be for next Monday, but soon.
Jean Browman--Cheerful Monk Reply:
June 18th, 2009 at 11:48
Actually, I’ll do it at Transforming Stress in this week’s post (publishes Thursday night/Friday morning). As a parent who made sure her daughter wasn’t “underdeprived” as a child, I can’t resist. It’s the old optimizing stress curve.
Rummuser Reply:
June 18th, 2009 at 17:28
Brilliant. I look forward to it.
Rummuser Reply:
June 18th, 2009 at 17:29
I am drooling!
Jean Browman--Cheerful Monk Reply:
June 19th, 2009 at 09:01
It’s called The Joy of Being Involved. Hope you like it.
Rummuser Reply:
June 20th, 2009 at 00:07
Loved it and was overwhelmed with Mike’s and Grannymar’s comments. It should lead to more discussions. I hope.
Thursday, June 18th 2009 at 11:18 |
Jean beat me to the punch, Ramana, because I have been ruminating on this. I agree with so much of what I read here from those who have commented. With your permission, I would like to take this as a launching point for an idea that I have been pondering for awhile. Of course, I will refer back to your beginning and, hopefully, we can turn it into one of our conversations.
Conrad´s last blog ..Goldilocks and the Three Affairs…
Rummuser Reply:
June 18th, 2009 at 17:29
You do not need my permission. Do please post and let us all have a nice long conversation. About your Goldilocks, I am still thinking about the three affairs before I can comment. I shall by and by.
Wednesday, November 11th 2009 at 15:57 |
Its hard to find good info like you have on your blog. Lets just hold thumbs that you’ll keep it up!