The Complicated Me?
By Rummuser. Filed in People, Raves and Rants, Relationships, Self Improvement, Tambrams |Tags: Appearances, Caregiving, Catharsis, Tambrams
This post has been in the making for some time and finally was triggered by a recent exchange of mails between me and a very perceptive and dear friend. I hope that this is the catharsis that will bring about some badly needed change.
A little background. My friend had been hard of hearing for many years and only about a year ago was fitted with hearing aids after a successful surgery for cochlear transplant. The two of us meet infrequently but exchange mails and SMS messages often.
The exchange was triggered off by a reference to a book by my friend who wanted me to check out and if found interesting enough to buy it. I checked it out, found it not up to my current levels of interest in the subject of social psychology, and advised him about it. That led to another set of exchanges, starting with this:
“Rather surprised. The impression I took away from my last visit to you was of someone increasingly impatient with appearances. On the other hand your blog suggests that the Tambram in you wont go without a Nobel. Perhaps the breaks that arise so subtly in our dialogue are due to this. (Tambram is short for Tamil Brahmin, the community to which I belong. For a great write up on the community, you can read a literary icon of India, Kushwant Singh here.) My friend suggests that despite many dissimilarities with the stereotype, my innate Tambram qualities come out unexpectedly and with some impact on the immediate neighborhood!
“The dialogue that I refer to is with with one of the many yous. The you on the gaddi ( Gaddi is the ceremonial chair that Gurus sit on.) at the moment is said to be the Sage of Kalyaninagar but I have a feeling that he has been installed there by a you that’s in rebellion against another you. You’re quite a complicated guy!” ( I live in Kalyani Nagar, a suburb of Pune, and my friend lives in St. Patrick’s Town, another suburb, about fifteen Kms away)
I responded with this message:
“I yield to the sage of St. Patrick’s Town. I am complicated only to those who try to find hidden agendas in me! I simply do not have any. I wear my heart on my sleeve as it were! This being so unusual that people tend to find me a very complicated fellow!”
This led to some more exchanges which are not relevant to this topic, but ended with this message:
“My mistake, incurred in the course of conversations in the pre-cochlear days. Reinforced by the evidence of Tambram irregularities. Seriously speaking though, you do appear to be groping your way through some inarticulate crisis. Obviously something to do with your wife’s demise but more than that at the same time.”
The last paragraph is very perceptive of my friend. I have been noticing a tendency to be short tempered and easily annoyed in the recent past. Today, at lunch, an innocuous statement by my father sent me off into orbit and it took me some time to cool down and get back to my normal self.
Some post lunch meditation and introspection helped me to identify the problem of a simmering “Why me-itis”. I have now been a caregiver for nine years and perhaps it is natural to want out. After my wife’s passing away in March, I have been focused on looking after my father and perhaps have over done that. Yet, present compulsions prevent any drastic decisions towards achieving that status of wanting out. This is the possible reason for the “inarticulate crisis”. I am not a psychologist, but this makes sense to me. Between my father and me, “Status Anxiety”, each coming from Head of the Household positions into a unavoidable yet a new equation is upsetting to both. This in turn is perhaps making me appear as I do to my friend.
I need to work on that understanding a bit, lest I end up being a care receiver instead of a care giver. This possibility was advised to me by my late wife’s Cardiologist who warned me to live my life too. I have not been doing that the way I can, and I think that I should now change.
I wonder if I will be nominated for the Nobel for introspection and blogging about it! The Tambram in me will then be satiated.
Monday, October 12th 2009 at 21:53 |
My father Ramana’s friend, a non Tambram, sent this comment. Unfortunately, his identity cannot be disclosed for security reasons and hence, this method of conveying the thought.
“I’m interested to see how your audience responds to this blog. Particularly the Tambrams. Incidentally I almost got married to 2 of the kind. A Subramaniam and a Swaminathan.
I believe you should go right down the path that your expressed thoughts lead you. But you aren’t. Conditioning is holding you back. Sometime in ones life one must be totally honest. That’s what draws me to the book. The articulation of the fact that selflessness could be a travesty of biological truth.
Monday, October 12th 2009 at 23:02 |
First of all I want to send you a hug. I know I am pathetically ignorant of your culture, and don’t even know if this is “the done” thing or not. This is the way I respond to someone who has touched my heart and it is being given in respect.
It sounds like you have been doing some soul searching? Often when I find myself unusually impatient and short with someone, it is a signal that I have some “issues” to deal with that have nothing whatever to do with that person. Like perhaps I am angry or something is out of alignment with me. It never fails that it is something I am trying like the devil to avoid. Some part of my mind says just keep going, don’t look at that, don’t think about that, and for awhile I may get away with it. Although all during this time I am not really “myself”. Others may see this and call me on it before I even realize it. And then I STILL don’t want to deal with it!
I have come to know that when this state is present, it is the very time I need to pay attention to ME. I have not been nurturing myself properly. Usually I am not meditating, not walking in nature, not being present to who I am.
When my kids were little I had to care for them, my husband, the house, my ailing in-laws, keep up with church, school volunteer work, just an endless list of things. Frankly I was miserable and feeling like all I did was take care of everyone else. When I finally started carving out time for myself – even if it was a solo trip to the library and a walk along the river in town – or going for a massage – my goodness, it felt wonderful. It was the beginning of me realizing how important it was to care for ME. It wasn’t selfish. It was NECESSARY.
This may sound simplistic to you. I don’t know what to say other than love yourself, make peace with whatever anger and frustrations you have been trying to hide – bring it out, face it bravely, breathe deeply and let it go. There is great love for you here. Breathe it in.
Hugs,
suZen
bikehikebabe Reply:
October 12th, 2009 at 23:43
Thanks suZen. And Ramana for the post.
Rummuser Reply:
October 13th, 2009 at 16:35
Suzen, you have been wonderful with your very helpful comments. I shall indeed take your advise. Thank you.
Tuesday, October 13th 2009 at 01:33 |
I’ve just Googled Tambram. One fellow wrote: “Another thing I noticed about Tambrams is high self-esteem, short tempers and inability to laugh at themselves.” I haven’t noticed your inability to laugh at yourself.
That often helps a lot. Please keep us posted.
Rummuser Reply:
October 13th, 2009 at 16:33
You remember the LCB posts on stereotyping? Rarely do we come across some one exactly of the stereotype of popular perception!
Tuesday, October 13th 2009 at 01:56 |
Ramana, has your friend from St. Patrick’s Town ever lost an Anam Cara, – Gaelic for “soul friend”, or as we would say ‘soul-mate’? It is exactly 7 months since Urmeela’s death – a very short time; and that brought change on many different levels.
There was:
a) The daily routine of caring for a patient, often repeated at regular intervals throughout the day, no longer required.
b) The loss of your patient, leaving long empty hours.
c) The loss of your life partner of over 40 years.
d) Your own mourning and
e) The mourning that is expected of you by others.
No time clock or other person can feel how you feel or know when you are ready to move on. This all takes time to work through and each person is unique in how they deal with the situation. Added to that you are caring for your elderly frail father.
In our twenties and thirties we take change in our stride, but as we get older it is a slower process and it is natural to be more cautious about it. Is there any chance you could take a holiday?
A week with Mayo should do the trick!!
bikehikebabe Reply:
October 13th, 2009 at 07:45
thanks grannymar for this comment.
Rummuser Reply:
October 13th, 2009 at 16:32
Grannymar, my friend has and continues to tackle much bigger and more physically and mentally debilitating problems. Compared to his problems, mine are practically nothing.
I am taking a break, the second one since March, this week end. If things go alright, I shall take a longer one later this year though not quite to Mayo!
Thank you for your very insightful comments. I truly appreciate them.
Tuesday, October 13th 2009 at 02:10 |
Being a care giver has to be the hardest job in the world. You must take care of yourself before you can take care of someone else.
I also noted that there were issues of your father still wanting to be head of your household. This is a normal parent – adult child problem. I had to learn to let go and let my daughter be the head of the household when I am visiting her. I had to realize that she was a grown woman and, after I realized that the stress was gone. Perhaps if you talk to your father about this in a loving way he will see that you are no longer his little boy.
I hope I haven’t misread the problem and, like Suzen said, I am pathetically ignorant of your culture so if I misread the situation please forgive me.
Rummuser Reply:
October 13th, 2009 at 16:29
Darlene, I have let go of my son. My father is unable to let go of me now after fifty years of not having had anything to do with me! The change in me has been subtle and gradual and had it not been for my friend bringing it out in the open between the two of us, I would have just continued to gradually deteriorate! This post and the comments are very therapeutic.
Tuesday, October 13th 2009 at 04:13 |
Ah! The fellow I referred to was the one you linked to! How cool is that?
In my post Handing Stress you commented “Stress? What is that?”
And Grannymar wrote,
Would either of you apply the term stress to Rummuser’s present situation? I personally find it a useful concept. That’s why I write about optimizing it and developing the traits of stress-hardy, resilient people.
Rummuser Reply:
October 13th, 2009 at 16:25
Touche!
Tuesday, October 13th 2009 at 04:23 |
Did anyone else see this article about women in rural India demanding their grooms provide them with a toilet? “No loo, no I do!”
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/10/11/AR2009101101934.html?wpisrc=newsletter
Yes, it’s off the subject, but we can always use a good laugh.
Rummuser Reply:
October 13th, 2009 at 16:10
Thank you. You are quite right for bringing that bit of humour into this rather morbid post!
Tuesday, October 13th 2009 at 04:47 |
Dear Ramana,
I am late to the “party” here and do not believe I can add to the wonderful advice given above by all of the others. I think it is good that you are aware of the why-me-itis in you, and by that insight in itself you have begun to take steps to help yourself and provide self-care in different ways. Sharing with us, too, is one way and I thank you for that. Please make time for an indulgence or some self-care every day in some way, large or small.
You have gone through two huge life changes and your mind and emotions need to sort themselves out. Mourning alone can take a few years to get through. And you have also taken on a new caregiving role. The adjustment by yourself and your father will also take time. In the meantime, know we are listening and here to support you. I wish I could offer you more.
“Taking time for yourself should never be seen as a burden. Not on you, and
not on anyone else.” ~~ Elizabeth Franklin
Rummuser Reply:
October 13th, 2009 at 16:09
Thank you Linda. Coming from you, I know that experience speaks and it is all the more valuable for that.
Tuesday, October 13th 2009 at 12:40 |
Wow! So you’re a Tambram. Like Hema Malini and Mani Ratnam and Kamaal Hasaan. Well I’ve all respect for Khushwant Singh, but the characteristics he deemed typical of Tamil Brahmins are just typical characteristics of high caste Hindus in general. Caste labels may make sense for some sort of classification within a Hindu society but they have no meaning in the world in general. I would describe you, from what I know, as a balanced human being. People (like your friend) say a lot of things without meaning them in the literal sense. Just as throw away remarks.
I think that you are coping rather well with the loss of your life partner. The credit goes entirely to you for that.
Rummuser Reply:
October 13th, 2009 at 16:07
You are an absolute dear and I thank you for the morale boost. I do not take Kushwant Singh seriously at all. I actually gave that link to bring some humour into the post.
Tuesday, October 13th 2009 at 18:37 |
Rummy, I accept you at my house with open arms, just remember to bring that wine that the grapes were just squeezed!
Rummuser Reply:
October 13th, 2009 at 19:51
Invitation accepted and I shall land up sooner than later with all the wine making paraphernalia. In case you want to change your mind after you consult the lady of the house, do let me know well in advance.
Tuesday, October 13th 2009 at 20:11 |
gaelikaa,
You write, “People (like your friend) say a lot of things without meaning them in the literal sense. Just as throw away remarks.” I think giving Rummuser moral support and encouragement is important, and I also think his friend did him a huge favor by pointing out a disconnect between Rummuser’s self-image and his anger:
Until we can stand back and see how we’re making ourselves miserable/angry/whatever we’re going to stay stuck. It sounds as if Rummuser is using his present situation to start waking up and making changes. Good for you, Rummuser!
Rummuser Reply:
October 13th, 2009 at 20:53
Jean, I wish that I had responded to Gaelikaa in similar fashion. Thank you. I somehow missed that part of Gaelikaa’s comment. My friend is not prone to saying things without meaning them. I consider him as a true friend and between true friends, there is no need for saying things without meaning them. Our exchange of mails should clearly show that both of us are brutally honest with each other. You are right, I am now giving the whole matter a great deal of thought and appropriate action will follow.
Wednesday, October 14th 2009 at 00:27 |
Interesting article. As a non-stereotype Tambram (Scotch imbibing, meat eating) married to a non-Indian, I am constantly made aware by my wife of my Tambram conditioning, though she does not know my actions are based on the Tambram upbringing.
Here is a nice write-up on Tambrams from another blog (I have no idea who authored it): http://arvindsdad.blogspot.com/2008/02/interesting-mails-received.html
My take is that most of us are products of our upbringing/conditioning. If somebody grew up during the Great Depression in the US, they probably learnt habits such as thrift that may seem alien to some in Generation X & Y. Growing up in Tambram families prior to the 80s, emphasis was placed on “Simple Living, High Thinking”. At least in my house that was the case which would explain the “high thinking” tambrams are accused of.
Mr Rajgopaul’s friend says that “I believe you should go right down the path that your expressed thoughts lead you. But you aren’t. Conditioning is holding you back. Sometime in ones life one must be totally honest” My question is why is that wrong? Doesn’t our opinions (may be due to conditioning) define who we are?
Rummuser Reply:
October 14th, 2009 at 10:45
Absolutely. The problem is when someone like me is met by someone like my friend with a stereotype already firmly established in his mind as to how a Tambram of my type should behave, his conditioning objects to my conditioning! Is that too complicated? My friend and I have a lot of such toing and froing on conditioning. He will be delighted with your observation. Thank you for visiting and commenting.
Wednesday, October 14th 2009 at 03:06 |
I thought of something else to add, Ramana. It’s on the topic of grief and mourning. I am mourning my mom, you are mourning your wife — two different types of relationships, yet grief is hard work and emotionally draining.
I don’t know what it’s like in India, but I’ve come to suspect that in the US, people don’t allow a person to grieve (at least outwardly) as long it really takes to go through the process completely. Initially it’s OK to cry, be down in the dumps, talk to friends for support, etc., but then the message I’ve gotten is “get on with life” or “time to move on,” etc. Yes, there is value in those ideas (and we have to check that we’re not in a full-out depression) but I don’t think one can rush the process of mourning I am experiencing. Even if other people think you should be done with it — if you’re not, you’re not. I realize I’m not and that it’s going to take way longer than the 5-1/2 months that have gone by so far. In fact, by losing my mom, it’s brought my dad’s death back to me ten fold, and I think I’m missing him more than ever. Perhaps I need to grieve for him longer, too. And I’m going to. I don’t think it will be beneficial for me physically or emotionally if I don’t acknowledge and work through the sad feelings I have.
What I’m trying to say is don’t rush yourself — embrace the grieving process, don’t ignore it or short change yourself by moving on to other things too quickly.
Rummuser Reply:
October 14th, 2009 at 10:42
Thank you Linda. I agree that the grieving process is slow and we are in no way different here than you are in the USA. If some of my well wishers had their way, I would be off on a new honeymoon in a couple of days! No, I shall work it out in my own time and bug you again with new insights.
Wednesday, October 14th 2009 at 09:52 |
Being complicated is not that bad. Everyone is complicated in their own little ways. It just differs with the people receiving insights from that person.
Rummuser Reply:
October 14th, 2009 at 10:40
Indeed. It is a matter of degree!
Wednesday, October 14th 2009 at 19:03 |
Wow! I am very impressed with your friend’s sense of perception! I’m also impressed with your ability to not take offense and to seriously consider his words, which resulted in your being able to identify something in yourself that you can improve upon. You are both very wise men. It is not easy to be a caregiver and it must be difficult with the changing roles between your father and yourself so it is even more important for you to take care of yourself too. Hopefully you can continue to have a good relationship with your father as well. Oh, and I do think you deserve an award, Nobel or otherwise.
Rummuser Reply:
October 20th, 2009 at 20:26
Teeni, bless you. When I want those votes, I shall call on you.
Thursday, October 15th 2009 at 06:45 |
Ramana, I seem to remember a Tambram from across the ocean think I was quite a serious fellow a ways back. Interesting how we see one another. At times, another, even a quite perceptive other, will hit upon something and cause a bit of introspection. They have hit upon something – but is it the same something that you are going through or are you expressing differently than you are experiencing.
I thought about it. Then I laughed, because it did not match up with what was inside me, although I think I saw where the perception came from. Is it the same for you? Has he hit on something real … but yet missed what you are experiencing within?
Rummuser Reply:
October 20th, 2009 at 20:23
Man, you have now got me thinking all over again!