Praise!
By Rummuser. Filed in Management, People, Relationships, Tambrams |Tags: Motivation, Praise
This cartoon in one of my favourite news papers set me thinking of not only my past but also my current situation.
Go to any Leadership training program or read a book on leadership and the point of giving praise to people who work keeps getting hammered again and again. This is one of the motivational tools that all people in Supervisory and Managerial positions are supposed to use liberally.
Personally, I have found it very effective to give and receive both.
When Urmeela was alive, she would inevitably praise me for some dish or the other that I hustled up for her or for something that I did for her or whatever and I would feel like an Emperor. Ranjan learnt this trick from her and uses it liberally on me to great effect too.
In other words, I am thoroughly spoilt.
It was too good to last. My father belongs to that generation that takes being served by the women of the house and children for granted. If at all any comment is made, it has to be criticism. Under no circumstances should the underlings be praised, lest they get uppity and forget their station in life.
I am his first born. In other words that fortunate creation who took the maximum brunt of such thinking as a child and a teenager. For him, despite my now being a grand uncle to scores of kids, father of a 39 year old son and a fairly respected elder member of the society does not matter. I can not come up to his standards. Full stop.
I can relate to that cartoon. Can you?
More From rummuser
Monday, March 15th 2010 at 11:39 |
It is a very good post. And you are an excellent blogger. Furthermore, many excellent comments will be put onto this post, except for mine. But admittedly, I have often used the inverse of the principle of Bambi’s mother: “If you don’t have anything nasty to say, then don’t say anything at all!”. May God forgive me!
Ursula Reply:
March 15th, 2010 at 13:43
Looney, every time Bambi’s mother dies I cry at the plight of her little doe left behind, bewildered and lost. The BAMBI (prize) therefore goes to you for making me laugh in the face of tragedy.
U
Rummuser Reply:
March 15th, 2010 at 18:04
Looney, you have made my day. Your comment contrary to your expectation is an exceptional one. Thank you.
Monday, March 15th 2010 at 13:43 |
Your father sounds like mine did. We used to blame ‘Irish Mothers’ for treating their sons like gods.
Ursula Reply:
March 15th, 2010 at 14:04
Grannymar, I think it almost universal – regardless of where we come from – that mothers worship their sons. And so it should be.
Going by your own experience as related on your blog, you will agree that a mother of sons needs at least one daughter to share the chores – an unpaid and willing slave. Alas, my son is an only child.
I could spin this lovely subject out ad infinitum, and the mind boggles: Can you imagine Ellie giving you a grandson? Looking forward to a doting Grannymar’s blog in years to come.
U
gaelikaa Reply:
March 18th, 2010 at 10:59
I wouldn’t dare worship my sons and use my daughters as unpaid slaves. My daughters would never stand for it. Neither the elder nor the younger.
Rummuser Reply:
March 20th, 2010 at 20:54
I don’t know where you got that impression. I particularly mentioned that our mother treated all her children like that. In fact, if any thing, our sister was treated on a higher pedestal. Haven’t you seen the effect that it has had on her?
gaelikaa Reply:
March 22nd, 2010 at 17:29
Ramanabhai, I was actually replying to Ursula’s comment on the cult of son worship, not to anything that you said…..
Rummuser Reply:
March 15th, 2010 at 18:09
Indian mothers do too and that is quite galling to the fathers.
Monday, March 15th 2010 at 14:23 |
Ramana, I do not need to reiterate, since you are fully aware of it, that I am a highly critical person. I therefore do not easily take to praise given to me. Or in the words of my son’s father and other friends: “It’s impossible to pay you a compliment, Ursula. You just brush it aside.” That’s how accommodating I am.
Whilst, of course, I do agree with you in principle that praise should be given to draw out the best in others (how mercenary a concept anyway, don’t you think?) it can backfire. I never forget, and he was only at first school then, when my son said, rather disdainfully, in the face of lavishly dished out praise: “Well, Mama, you would say that wouldn’t you? After all you are my mother.” Since then I am trying to be more sincere in order to actually make praise what it should be – deserved and honest. Now, when I say something is good, he knows “It’s REALLY good”.
U
Rummuser Reply:
March 15th, 2010 at 18:03
My mother could not find fault with any of her children if her life depended on it!
Monday, March 15th 2010 at 14:45 |
My mother purports to be quite content with my behaviour and lifestyle but I’m sure secretly she’s always finding fault. She’s convinced her way of doing things is better than anyone else’s. My father was worse, he found fault quite openly and made no attempt to hide it. He was a pain in the neck.
Rummuser Reply:
March 15th, 2010 at 18:01
My mother could not find fault with any of her children and that annoyed our father more than perhaps anything else.
Monday, March 15th 2010 at 15:11 |
I certainly relate. Another thing to understand is that if you report a problem the person you report to will get angry with you!
Rummuser Reply:
March 15th, 2010 at 17:59
That particular problem gets aggravated in the case of my father who is hard of hearing and I have to shout to be heard and the body language obviously changes!
Monday, March 15th 2010 at 18:32 |
I’m pretty sure that my father would have been a very critical parent had he been a “normal” part of my life when I was a child. As it was, my maternal grandfather was the father-figure of may childhood and he was stingy with any praise.
Rummuser Reply:
March 15th, 2010 at 20:06
Mike I had the advantage of having both my father and paternal grandfather in my youth and the grandfather, if anything was even more uptight.
Monday, March 15th 2010 at 21:05 |
Ramana – I guess if I were part of the male establishment, I would be hesitant to give up my control also! However, my thoughts are that it takes a really strong male to let a woman stand next to him as his equal rather than demand subservience! The man who can allow his children this equality raises strong children which floats all boats higher also! My step father was apparently the exception, in that he thought that I was as capable as my brother! How blessed was I?
Ramana – your wife was a lucky woman to have had you in her life!
Rummuser Reply:
March 20th, 2010 at 20:43
You are absolutely right and you are indeed very blessed. Our only sister, Padmini, who wrote a guest post a while ago, for three brothers was also brought up like that. It is a wonder that she did not turn out to be a termagant!
Tuesday, March 16th 2010 at 07:21 |
We don’t praise very much but we do show our love and appreciation. We’re not trying to motivate/manipulate one another. We’re simply grateful.
Rummuser Reply:
March 20th, 2010 at 20:44
Wonerful. Praise takes many shapes and love and appreciation too can be called praise, though indirectly expressed.
Wednesday, March 17th 2010 at 01:29 |
One can never undersestimate the power of praise, in Ireland, in India … wherever. I received a lovely email recently at work recently on that theme. I still haven’t forgotten it!
Rummuser Reply:
March 20th, 2010 at 20:49
Yes, you have put it very nicely. Thank you.
Wednesday, March 17th 2010 at 03:19 |
Ramanaji,
I liked your post. The highlight was that written about your Dad. My son keeps telling me the same. I know how your Dad must be feeling. I feel sometimes my son has not learnt much from me.
Rummuser Reply:
March 20th, 2010 at 20:50
You have no idea what it is to be the butter! That is what my family now calls me for being in between my son on the one side and my father on the other!
Wednesday, March 17th 2010 at 04:18 |
Praise for a job well done is very important. For me it is like the first contact I have when I go to the city. I do not like going into the city, so my day is not really a good one. If the first shop assistant is gloomy then that about sets my day. But of course if she is bright cheerful and welcomes me, then the rest of my day is okay.
I hope I always praised my boys as my parents praised me for my hard work. I cook most of the meals here, and like you Ramani, my wife will always praise me for making a good meal. Praise encourages one to keep going, even to strive to be better next time.
Good post Ramani, well done!
Rummuser Reply:
March 20th, 2010 at 20:50
Thank you LL. You are very kind.