Nick at nickhereandnow had recently written a post “Love Derailed” and I was musing about what to comment when, this news item in the BBC came to my rescue.
It has been my personal observation too that we are seeing too many divorces now a days in India, primarily in the urban milieu. I am not an expert or a psychologist to comment on the reasons for it, but having been happily married for forty years till death did us apart, I am intrigued.
The BBC article throws some light on it and this quote from Dr. Geetanjali Sharma “I also feel they lack patience and tolerance. They don’t want to put more efforts into a relationship to fix the issues, and they feel that escapism is the solution.” in it, resonates with me, with the proviso that it not be both who want the divorce and could also be just one of the two wanting it.
Relationships are easy to destroy but difficult to build. I for one thrive on long lasting relationships of all kinds and this post addresses a different aspect of the subject.
This is Leena. She is my ex daughter in law. When she came into our home in 2001, she brought a different atmosphere into it and quickly became the daughter that we did not have. My late wife adored her as did I and as I do now. Ranjan and she were married for five years and decided to part company amicably, for whatever reasons, best known to them. Naturally, neither of us liked the development, but decided to accept it as perhaps being the best under the circumstances.
Leena, despite the divorce, continued to be the daughter to my wife till the latter passed away two years ago, and continues to be a daughter to me till today. When Urmeela passed away, Leena came over and took charge of our home till all formalities were complete.
My son Ranjan and she continue to be good friends despite being divorced from each other and often communicate with each other via all modern methods as well as personally. There does not appear to be any acrimony and both seem to have got on with their lives happily.
Leena came to visit my father and me yesterday on learning about our indisposition. She spent quite some time with both of us and it was uplifting of our spirits like a breath of fresh air. She is naturally ebullient and cheerful and it is infectious. Today, she sent some specially cooked fish dishes for my father which cheered him up further.
I wonder if this is also the trend that post divorce relationships do not break but move to different levels with the individuals and the families concerned. I certainly hope that it is.
Nick, an interesting take?
We can all agree that people today aren’t ready to compromise and adjust as much as they used to. But having said that, I believe there might have been just as many unhappy marriages in the olden times too. The only difference was that people chose to live through them instead of opting out, reasons being a social stigma or financial dependence or lack of support etc. Today with increasing financial independence, women have a choice to either stay or walk out, which not as many women had earlier. What I think is, in the olden times too, there might have been many more divorces had the choice been available to the women of that era.
Rummuser Reply:
January 6th, 2011 at 16:40
“in the olden times too, there might have been many more divorces had the choice been available to the women of that era.” Sarika, I could not agree more. I can speak from first hand experience, how many dysfunctional families continued to suffer for decades in silence and agony.
There seems to be a shift toward civility in divorce. Perhaps, because there are so many divorces, the hostility between couples and between families is now seen as more of a stigma than divorce itself.
As you have already expressed in your post, you are fortunate to have this wonderful young woman in your life. I like her attitude and charming, thoughtful ways.
Rummuser Reply:
January 6th, 2011 at 16:40
Maria, she is an angel. I am not prejudiced.
I am in no position to comment. I was only married to one man, he did not leave me, but was taken from me by the cruel curse that cancer is.
Rummuser Reply:
January 6th, 2011 at 16:41
You are one lucky lady Grannymar.
You might be interested in this New York Times article, The Happy Marriage is the “Me” Marriage: http://www.nytimes.com/2011/01/02/weekinreview/02parkerpope.html. I myself prefer my 46-year-old marriage.
Rummuser Reply:
January 6th, 2011 at 16:42
That is quite a revealing article CM. Isn’t it odd that so much interest is shown in the media on ‘relationships’?
Cheerful Monk Reply:
January 7th, 2011 at 11:28
I don’t think it’s strange. People have a lot more options now and a lot of people are looking for the “ideal” relationship. The idea of divorce (or couples living together without marriage) doesn’t bother me as long as there are no children involved. Divorces can be devastating to children.
Despite my divorce, I am still very, very close to my ex’s family. They love me, and I love them. I also love my ex-husband. We need to be careful about making judgments, as Rummi’s experience with his daughter-in-law proves. She is obviously a wonderful person. I am so glad that your father, and you, are able to continue to enjoy her. This, to me, is the essence of PEACE. Until we can discover and nurture peace like this, within the veritable bosom of the family, we have no hope in establishing peace on earth. I’m not saying it’s easy. It’s not. But it’s right.
Rummuser Reply:
January 6th, 2011 at 16:43
I agree. It is right. But, it is not easy, particularly in our current obsessive societies intent on materialism to the exclusion of all other values.
Nice comments, nice article Cheerful Monk.
My neighbors are divorced after about 50 years of marriage. (They are both medical doctors & both are stable sorts.) They travel together to visit their 4 children often, at the corners of the U. S. They will stay divorced, but didn’t want their children choosing sides or any turmoil caused by the divorce.
Rummuser Reply:
January 6th, 2011 at 16:44
What a gracious divorce!
Interesting take on this, Ramana. I have no idea how common the amicable separation is in the manner you speak of, though. My experience with friends who have become divorced has been that there is a lot of vengeful, hateful activity that follows and a willingness to use their children as pawns. I do know of at least one exception to this, though.
I am another member of the one partner club, our marriage going on 29 years now. She stays with me even as my hair thins and my middle thickens!
Rummuser Reply:
January 6th, 2011 at 16:44
You look better thus Conrad!
Even after 44 years of happily married life, if I could write a book I’d probably title it “How to be Happy though Married”.
I can’t help but agree in urban India an average marriage lasts 5 years. Often, they begin on foundation of lies told about jobs, unreasonable dowry demands, and of late constant interference by parents on both sides. There is no such things as tackling issues & problems together by a young couple because there are no personal commitments to the marriage. Life styles and friendships of each spouse continue to dominate while a new marriage is relegated to a low priority.
In most cases financial independence of each spouse is also a reason where for the drop of a hat one of them says “To hell with you”.
Anil
Rummuser Reply:
January 6th, 2011 at 16:46
Anil, a lot of the “to hell with you” attitude has to do with the safety net that the young have in their parents, don’ you think?
It’s great that Leena continues to be a part of your life.
As for me, I just can’t bear the idea of divorce. I suppose that’s understandable given my background. However, I suppose it’s better to separate amicably than to live miserably in a relationship which no longer works.
Rummuser Reply:
January 6th, 2011 at 16:49
Yes. And I am grateful for that.
It’s very hard to say whether people divorce or separate unnecessarily or whether it was the only realistic step. Intimate relationships are such a mystery to other people who can say what they should be doing? I do get the impression that a lot more couples remain on friendly terms after splitting up and that engrained hostility and bitterness is less common. People seem to be more philosophical about leaving the past behind and looking for new relationships and opportunities.
Rummuser Reply:
January 6th, 2011 at 16:50
I wonder if it is being philosophical! Wouldn’t it be more practical?
Interesting observation. I’m in the same one-time club myself – just passed 39 years married, 43 together. Marriage has been a bit like the old Who song
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wf0d2Rx52wI
Its really nice that Leena still keeps in touch and cares for you just the same.. in my experience its quite rare now a days.. all break ups I have seen so far have take a bitter turn… thats probably because, people just give up on each other..
Rummuser Reply:
January 9th, 2011 at 19:29
Yes. Leena is exceptional.
Divorces are tricky subjects. A lawyer I work with handles quite a few of these cases and as such I have had the opportunity to see the breakdown between couples from a close yet objective perspective. Sometimes there appears to be real issues ranging from harassment to its more extreme form, abuse. In other cases, the reasons range from the wife cooking a dish the husband didn’t like to negative parental interference (which I can’t understand coz what parent would want their son’s marriage to fail right?
). Sustaining relationships is not an easy exercise. For those have managed to hold their own, it is nothing short of admirable.
Rummuser Reply:
January 9th, 2011 at 19:23
A lot of the commentators here and yours truly then are very admirable!