The Empty Nest Syndrome.
By Rummuser. Filed in People, Relationships |Tags: Children, Empty Nest, Parenting, Relationships
“Kids aren’t ruining parents’ lives,” Dr. Gorchoff said. “It’s just that they’re making it more difficult to have enjoyable interactions together.”
I came across this fascinating article which caught my eye because we went through the empty nest syndrome on three separate occasions and came out of them fairly intact. We were told on all three occasions that we were particularly impacted because we have only one child.
Let me explain.
Firstly, in India, children living with parents and grand parents is still quite prevalent and family ties are very strong. This is changing rapidly, but for our generation, this is still so.
When our son Ranjan was growing up, I was in an employment where, every few years, I was getting transferred on promotions to newer locations. This was impacting Ranjan’s studies quite a bit and when in 1983, when he was just twelve years old, we decided to send him to a boarding school, it was a very difficult decision to make but take it we had to. The timings of the transfers did not particularly accommodate school term timings and this was the primary reason for our decision.
Off he went to boarding school, and for the next three years, my wife Urmeela and I were left to manage on our own. During those days, I was also traveling quite a bit and Urmeela had to be alone at home for about three weeks on average per month.
In 1987, luckily, we were transferred to a city when academic timings coincided, and Ranjan joined us for the next eight years. He completed his college education and post graduation while staying at home. Subsequently, he also got employment where we lived. It was a boon for Urmeela as I was still traveling to the same extent.
In 1995, when I retired for the first time, Ranjan got a job offer in another city that was just too good and he left home again. Since I was at home, it was not too bad for Urmeela and we had a quiet retired life for a few months. I was pulled out of retirement by a local industrial house with an offer that I could not refuse and so for the next thirty months, it was back to corporate life. I completed that assignment and went back into retirement. In the meanwhile, Ranjan returned to our hometown after just over an year’s working as his employer had to shut down due to some family problems of the promoter of the company. Since then, he has been living in our home town, with a few long stretches of overseas postings.
Ranjan got married in 2001 and he and his lovely bride made their home with us. Till 2005, they lived with us when they decided to separate and both took separate residences. Ranjan moved out again and was living as a bachelor for about a year and a half till he decided that the infrastructure in his parents’ home was better than what he had experienced all alone by himself. He is now back with us.
We have thus experienced the empty nest syndrome on three separate occasions and Urmeela has experienced the worst of it because, she was left alone for long stretches of time when neither Ranjan nor I was at home.
The article revived memories of those days, and I can vouch for one thing that the article does not pay sufficient attention to. Whenever the nest was empty, Urmeela and I found it possible to relate to each other in a completely different way than when Ranjan was with us or when he and Leena, his wife were with us. That relating has brought us very close to each other and I sincerely doubt that such closeness would have been possible without the empty nest situations that we experienced.
The article is more relevant to Western readers, but parts of it are relevant to us too. I know that many of my readers are parents with children away from home and it is for this reason that I have thought it prudent to post this article.
How does the article impress you?
Tuesday, January 20th 2009 at 23:28 |
The dynamics of people living together are very interesting to me, much like the studies on birth order and the traits that people tend to have depending on their birth order. I don’t have children so this is all interesting to me. I imagine a lot of heart ache, pride, and worry go with each departure of a child into the world from a parent’s home. But I think the ultimate joy would be in seeing that they are doing well independently when your job of raising them has been accomplished. It must be a nice feeling to have them home because they WANT to be and want to spend time with you rather than because they NEED to be. I’m glad you and your wife have such a wonderful relationship.
Rummuser Reply:
January 21st, 2009 at 22:58
@teeni, When I wrote the post, I also thought about how my parents would have felt. My mother particularly, was very possessive of her children and for her each child’s parting from her was difficult. It was when she was much older that I found out how much she resented those separations. My father was not very demonstrative, but I suppose that he would have felt so too. It would have however been more of a power play in his case.
These dynamics are indeed fascinating to watch in a detached way except when one is directly involved in some way in it.
Tuesday, January 20th 2009 at 23:36 |
I’m glad you created this post. There is a musing to the life in it.
tikno´s last blog post..VETO VS DEMOCRACY
Rummuser Reply:
January 21st, 2009 at 22:54
@tikno, you are very kind. I am glad that you find it stimulating.
Wednesday, January 21st 2009 at 00:24 |
This article mentioned that the marriage got better after the children left home. But I think that even though it brings stress, and is difficult, having children adds something to the marriage that is also important. I know some who have never had children. I feel that they are missing out on more than just offspring. They are missing out on the bonding that occurs with husband and wife when they struggle to raise their children.
I think each season of life is important. While I’m not looking forward to being separated from my children, I am looking forward to the new chapter in my marriage. Recently my second oldest child went to college. I’m already feeling the nest emptying. I guess the hardest part is not being able to be with my two oldest children on a regular basis. I guess we just have to enjoy the times when we are all together.
Delirious´s last blog post..Compost Bin
Rummuser Reply:
January 21st, 2009 at 22:53
@Delirious, you are quite right. Parenting is a joyful experience. As the children grow up and so do we, the various stages in our lives offer different challenges and opportunities. I suppose that, that is what growing up is all about.
Wednesday, January 21st 2009 at 00:32 |
I still remember when we dropped our daughter off at college. I felt sad until my husband smiled and said, “We’re empty nesters now. We no longer have to be good examples for our child. Where shall we go and what shall we do?” I can still picture his face as he said it…it still warms my heart. Yes, we did establish a new relationship, and it’s been great. And we’re still close to my daughter and her husband, even though they live a thousand miles away.
Jean Browman–Cheerful Monk´s last blog post..To Tell the Truth
Rummuser Reply:
January 21st, 2009 at 22:51
@Jean Browman–Cheerful Monk, That was a nice way to handle an emotional moment. I however doubt that as parents, we can ever stop being role models. Even though they may not live with us, the bonds and looking up to, do not go away.
Wednesday, January 21st 2009 at 03:42 |
Empty nest, full nest – both work for my wife and me. We always have so many things we want to do, so we fill our lives when alone. Or, we just take a breather. Either works, but our relationship stays a lot the same.
When our daughter is at home from college, we love it. But, whether she is there or not, we spend time together at the end of each day sitting on the couch with one glass of wine each, reading or watching shows we have TiVo’d. That and discussing what happened during the day. That contact carries us along on a pretty even keel.
Conrad´s last blog post..Obama’s Rubik’s Cube
Rummuser Reply:
January 21st, 2009 at 22:48
@Conrad, Worth a detailed post from you? You always come up with unusual insights when you write.
Wednesday, January 21st 2009 at 10:48 |
60th birthday is celebrated because the person who is 60 is deemed to have seen 700 full moons.
80th birthday( sashtiabta poorthi) is for having seen 1000 full moons
Rummuser Reply:
January 21st, 2009 at 22:47
@arvind, I did not know that. Thank you.
Wednesday, January 21st 2009 at 11:20 |
We became “empty nesters” last year when our only son went off to college in another state. The initial goodbye was extremely difficult for all of us, but my husband and I quickly realized that our “new life” felt much like when we were newlyweds and the 6 years we were married before children — not bad at all.
Family dynamics are very interesting, and different for each family and every person in that family. My two cents.
Linda Abbit´s last blog post..Tips for When Aging Parents Say Mean Things
Rummuser Reply:
January 21st, 2009 at 22:47
@Linda Abbit, Yes, each family finds its own way to cope with this problem and the article does not delve deep enough into those dynamics. It was fascinating nevertheless.
Wednesday, January 21st 2009 at 16:36 |
Till 1999 we ran a full house as both our Mums were living with us. The previous year our daughter Nitila had got married but actually both our son Jai and Nitu were like guests–breezing in nad out once or twice a year. We had not felt the empty nest syndrome because of the presence of the two Mums and the stream of visitors who would drop by to meet them.
With their passing away the house became quiet. It was as if we were starting our lives all over again as newly marrieds and learning to fill the spaces left vacant by the old ladies. Now we have grown accustomed to being just the two of us with stay-in guests dropping by.
My friend Rita chooses to live on her own even though her two sons and daughter are in the country. She used to have PG’s staying with her for company. Now she has stopped that too and takes off regularly to visit family scattered all over. She has a wide circle of friends and activities and also uses the phone to connect with people.
Finally it is about how you take it. Some have animals for company, some have carers or live-in help and many depend on neighbours and family members to give them company. That is the best part of being in India.
Padmini Natarajan´s last blog post..Express Yourself Contest #49–The Actress
Rummuser Reply:
January 21st, 2009 at 22:43
@Padmini Natarajan, Quite right. It is how we take it that makes the difference. Often I find that the elders develop a victim mentality and bore their circle of friends to death with their tales of abandonment.
Wednesday, January 21st 2009 at 21:31 |
this is a pretty good article actually. yeah my parents did experienced this with us too…
joops´s last blog post..Baby Phat
Rummuser Reply:
January 21st, 2009 at 22:42
@joops, Thank you.
Wednesday, January 21st 2009 at 21:33 |
Living with parents is pretty much in practice till this date in the Philippines.. That’s part of our culture. In the States however is different, I feel bad for the elderly in the States because wen they get ld, they feel so alone..
chubskulit´s last blog post..sterling jewelry for less
Rummuser Reply:
January 21st, 2009 at 22:41
@chubskulit, The loneliness felt by the elders in busy joint family households can be seen in India as well. It is how much time and care that the younger generation give to the elders that makes the difference.
Thursday, January 22nd 2009 at 08:33 |
This post resonates with me. My parents experienced what it was like to have the empty nest when my two sisters and I moved away. One sister lived in the same country as my parents but remains 5 horus away by car. Another sister is in the United States. I was in Australia. More recently, my husband and I moved back to Canada to be with with my parents temporarily because of a health situation. My mother in particular requires in-home care and my father needed assistance. We are adjusting other aspects of our lives because we feel this is the right thing to do. Living in the same house like this is not as common in Western countries. I have friends in Asia who have three or more generations living in the same dwelling. You learn to adjust to your circumstances and do what makes sense to you, regardless of what society suggests are your options.
Liara Covert´s last blog post..Hear the plea of your true self
Rummuser Reply:
January 22nd, 2009 at 20:54
@Liara Covert, You might like to visit my friend Linda’s blog http://tenderlovingeldercare.com/
Friday, January 23rd 2009 at 06:37 |
rummuser, thanks for this tip. I have been exploring Linda’s blog and its contents are very meaningful for me.
Liara Covert´s last blog post..Hear the plea of your true self
Rummuser Reply:
January 23rd, 2009 at 11:43
@Liara Covert, You are welcome
Monday, January 26th 2009 at 04:13 |
I try not to think about empty nests.
My mother died in 1996 at the age of 82, it was ten weeks after a stroke. Since she lived over 100 miles away from me I had problems spending time with her. My husband was ill with cancer at the time. Six weeks after my mother’s death my daughter (one and only) left home for University in Scotland and her dad died a year and a half later.
My home has been quiet since then, it feels like the heart has gone out of it. My daughter visits when ever she can but she has a husband of her own now and a job and home to run. I have been known to say ‘I gave her life and not a life sentence of caring for me!’
I am not a lonely person and make the best of whatever life throws my way. With the internet and blogging the outside world comes in to me. I am so fortunate.
Grannymar´s last blog post..A New World of Hope
Rummuser Reply:
January 26th, 2009 at 18:16
@Grannymar, That is a very poignant comment. I wonder if you could consider expanding your last paragraph in one of your posts. I too differentiate between loneliness and solitude. I look forward to every possible occasion when I can have some solitude. I too use the internet and blogging to connect with the outside world.